I don't understand

i just got an online message from Sir. He has been speaking with kitten and another friend and has come to the conclusion that i want more than He or T/they are willing to give me.

i want to be honest like i have from the beginning. i have told no false truths or half truths. i am looking for a DOM/Sir who will give me attention. a Dom/Sir who will explore with me new sexual horizons. Push my limits but not cause me harm. Help me in my weight loss journey. Guide me in things that He feels are necessary in my growth of not only a person but as a submissive.

i have met with several Dom's/Sir's. One Dom/Sir was younger than i desired. Sir sent Him a message on collarme that I was under consideration so that He would leave me alone. One Dom/Sir said He was in search of a submissive but i believe more of a slave because He wanted me at our first meeting the first time i laid eyes on him to kneel at His feet. i have met Dom/Sir that is currently in a poly marriage with His wife of 16 years who is submissive to Him but has Her own submissive. I have met a Dom/Sir (whom I received the spanking from) that is married and his wife knows of His lifestyle desires but doesn't want to participate in them so she knows that he probably does participate outside of their marriage but doesn't want to know if he engages in the D/s lifestyle. Another Dom/Sir that i met was married and I assume has a least one child (saw the child seat in the back of his car). i found out that this Dom/Sir's wife didn't know of his wants and desires to be in the D/s lifestyle. Because of this fact i told hime that i wouldn't be able to play with him because i never wanted to be the reason for a marriage or relationship to break up or have rocky times over.

i have spoke online to several other Dom's/Sir's but came to the conclusion in the online chats that They didn't match what I was wanting/needing or wanted more than i was able to give Them.

Before moving to NC i was involved in a relationship outside my marriage that lasted for 18 months. The relationship ended because i moved to NC. He is a married man to a woman he has been married to for 20+ years but was needing some of the same things i was looking for. We had a lover/friend relationship. We saw each other usually one time per week and spoke on the phone daily with one another. When I moved to NC we tried to continue the relationship but he said it was too hard for him to do so knowing he would probably never see me again. I respected his wishes and discontinued all contact with him. I think of him daily and wish him and his family the very best.

My other relationship was with a friend who I met online and became close to and still to this day is a freind of mine. He is married at least 14+ years (based on oldest childs age). We have been able to talk daily and phone calls every once in awhile. We lived about 5 hours apart and only got the chance to spend two wonderful nights together on two seperate occasions. He is a published writer and a employee of our fine government.

i am upset because i told the truth from the very beginning and really thought about the current relationship Sir has with kitten and told Sir what i needed and told Him and also kitten that i would not interfer with the relationship that T/they had but i wanted to see if i could have a place with T/them. Sir thought W/we would be a good match. i was able to speak with kitten and tell her on the phone the exact same things that i wrote to her and she said she appreciated my concern for her and Sir.

Should i be punished for enjoying the time i had with Sir yesterday? i don't feel i have done anything wrong. my thoughts and feelings have not changed in the slightest. i left my first marriage to be with my soul mate. i have been with my soul mate for 8 years and married to him for 5 years. i will be married to him until i take my last breath. i love him with every fiber in my being and i know the same is true of his love for me. My soul mate allowed me to seek a Dom/Sir because he knows this is something he is unable to give to me but something that i wanted to explore.

Should i be punished because i do show emotions? i have a huge heart and i give my all in everything i do no matter if that is work, play, relationships. i will not say that i am not an emotional person because i feel if you don't show feelings to people and open up your heart to people then you haven't really lived at all.

i know that Sir is married. i know that Sir has children. i know that kitten will be moving to Charlotte in the future. i know that kitten has children. i know that kitten and Sir love one another and that Sir was looking for someone to share the D/s relationship with when he and kitten couldn't be together.

i feel that i am not the one who has changed. i feel upset because someone else is saying what is in my heart and mind without asking me how i am feeling because i assume of a journal entry that this person read. i feel upset because no one wants to talk to me, They just want to push me by the wayside without a reason.

i am just hurt because i honestly have been searching for a Dom/Sir and thought i had found the perfect situation with kitten and Sir because T/they love on another and wouldn't ask too much of me but had enough to give to include me with T/them.

sara